A woman’s husband returns from fishing on the lake and goes to take a nap. It’s a nice day so she decides to take the boat out and just relax. No sooner does she open her favorite book than the fishing warden brings his boat alongside. “This is a restricted area - there is no fishing allowed here. I’ll have to give you a ticket.” “But officer” she says, “clearly you can see I’m not fishing!” “Yes” he says, “but you have all the right equipment and could start at any time.” She replies “if you give me a ticket I will file a sexual assault complaint against you.” “But” he exclaims “I haven’t touched you!” “True” she says. But you have all the right equipment and could start at any time." Needless to say, he decided not to write her up and left.
Got my wife a pug dog yesterday.
Despite the flat face, bulging eyes and the rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her…
A bass player goes to the Doctor,
And the Doctor says, “Sorry to say this, But you only have 6 months left to live”
Bass player says, “Oh no Doc, is there anything I can do”?
Doc says, “Well if every night before bed, You fill your tub up with mud and soak in it for 30 mins!”
Bass player, “And this will help me live longer?”
The Doctor replies, “No, but this will get you used to the dirt”
So, Helen Keller accidentally picked up a cheese grater in her kitchen. It felt like Braille, so she sat down to read it. After a few minutes, she threw it down and stomped away in disgust.
“That’s the most violent thing I’ve ever read,” she muttered.
This just in: The local zoo announced that due to an error, construction workers accidently filled in the snake pit with concrete.
A spokesman for the zoo, Thor Butnotcomplaining said, “We are very saddened by this situation, and it must be rough for the snakes to not have a pit to hiss in.”
Good evening. I’m your anchor, Pierre Mybladdersempty.
Todays Top Story: Infamous former mob hit man, Ali Oxenfree, confessed to reporters today while on his death bed, That on his 1st paid hit, He was asked to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only 2 porcelain figurine’s. This is the first reported case on a knick knack patty whack!
During Passover, a Jewish man decides to take his lunch break in the local park. He sits down on a bench and begins to unpack his lunch when a blind man with a cane sits at the other end of the bench. Feeling generous, the Jewish man gives the blind man a piece of matzah.
A minute goes by, when the blind man exclaims, “What moron wrote this nonsense?!?”
There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl…
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile…
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”…
“That will work,” said the counselor, “if you keep a good record”…
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills,” she said…
Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them.”
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he told her that should also work…
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going…
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet…
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby”…
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby”…
He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don’t have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you”…?
She replied, “Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him”…
Do you know what they call a guy who uses the rhythm method for birth control?
…Daddy.
What is the punishment for Bigamy
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Two mother in-laws
Breaking news: I’m your anchor Meme Pause,
This just in: Rudolph the red nosed reindeer died today at age 50.
While he was flying over Madrid, he was hit by a flock of seagulls & a 747.
Sadly, The reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
JLo - your jokes absolutely slay me!
Mc, didn’t you mean sleigh ? 
Point to Seville!
Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
Headline News: I’m your anchor Kay Sirrawsirraw,
Our top story: Jim McGuinn, Gene Clark, and David Crosby have signed a 13 country agreement for a reunion tour of The Byrds, The popular 60’s band have replaced the 2 missing members with former President George W. Bush. Bush will be filling a double roll with the band playing both bass guitar and drums.
Apparently, A Bush in the band, is better than two of the Byrds.
groan…