So, I heard this as part of the dialog in a movie (“Never Look Away”):
A psychotic is someone who believes 2 + 2 = 5.
A neurotic knows it’s 4, but worries about it.
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They’d just about given up hope of making it out alive when they found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and said they could each have one wish which would come true.
The redhead wished to be back home and poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”
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A small boy and his Grandfather were sitting on the porch after a good rain. The earthworms were wiggling on the sidewalk and the little boy said “I bet you $10 I can put that worm back in his hole”. Grandpa slightly intrigued says “you’re on”. The boy runs in the house and gets a can of spray starch, sprays the worm and pushes him back in the ground. Grandpa says “that’s a pretty good trick” and hands the boy his $10.
The next morning the boy is sitting on the porch and Grandpa comes out with his coffee and hands the boy $10. The boy confused says “Grandpa you paid me yesterday”. Grandpa replies “That’s from Grandma”.
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I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, “You play an instrument?”
I replied, “Yeah, I play a little guitar.”
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This is the NUT joke! Well played @JuiceeLoot
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
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Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth:
“Nurse,” he mumbles, “are my testicles black?”
Nurse raises his gown, holds his wand in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, sir.”
Man pulls of the oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very very carefully: Are My Test Results Back?”
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My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
I took the battery out of the smoke detector. 
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I remember what my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket.
He said, “Hey, I wonder how far i can kick this bucket?”
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They taste great
what do you call man with no body except a big nose on his face? nobody nose
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A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, “I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father.”
So the married couple decided that they would try this. The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said “I feel okay turn it up a lot more.”
So the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said “Why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing.”
The doctor warned them, “This much could kill you if you’re not prepared,” and the husband replied “I’m ready.”
So the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t feel a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor.
When they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied,
Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.
“CASE DISMISSED!!”
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A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.
“No, I don’t” she replied
“Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”
She didn’t crack a smile.
“Oh, well. I tried,” he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,she burst out laughing.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“I was just picturing how condoms are made!” she said.
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I don’t get !!!