Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
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Duct tape!
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Don’t touch that switch, you might get erecticuted. 
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I have had that very hand!
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There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.
They’re great for separating independent Clauses.
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Feynman, Einstein, & Schrödinger walk into a bar.
Feynman says, “It appears we’re inside a joke.”
Einstein replies, “But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously.”
To which Schrödinger says, “If someone’s looking in the window, I’m leaving.”
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SCIENCE TIP
You can distinguish an Alligator from a Crocodile
by noticing whether he sees you later or after a while.
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Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
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What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
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Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we’ll trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press - no one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep after the beep please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
If you have low self esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by email lately.”
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.
“Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.” 
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