I asked the local library if they had any books on Pavlov’s dog or Schrodinger’s cat. They told me the names ring a bell but they would have to look …
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I was at the barber shop and the barber says “So which movie star do you want me to make you look like?” I replied “Errol Flynn”. He looks confused and says “He’s Dead”. I said “look how easy I’m making your job!”
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A guy wakes up in the hospital and panics. He yells, “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor says, “Relax, that’s perfectly normal.”
The guy asks, “I can’t feel my legs! How can that be normal?”
The doctor says, “We had to amputate your arms.”
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I asked my doctor for something for severe wind
He gave me a kite…
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My wife told me I needed to take out the trash.,
If the trash collector guys dont take her do I have to let her back in???
A guy walks into the library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian tells him they don’t carry books like that anymore.
He asks, “Why not?”
She says, “Nobody ever returns them.”
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Doctors’ memories of embarrassing medical exams:
1)
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,’ I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.
2)
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
3)
'During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?’ I asked.
‘The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’
4.
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, ’ So how’s your breakfast this morning?’
‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
5
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion she answered, ’ Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’
6
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, ’ No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ’ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
7
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’
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During breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do if I won the lottery?”
She replied, “I’d take half, and leave you,”
“Great. I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.” was his reply.
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The last few days, every time my girlfriend looks at me, all she says is, “Mmmmmmm.”
This was well worth the cost for the roll of duct tape.
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A man walks into an airport bar and sits beside a cute flight attendant.
He says, “What airline do you work for?”
She ignores him.
“Fly the Friendly Skys?” He asks.
She glares at him but says nothing.
“We Love to Fly and it Shows?” He tries again
She turns to him with a sneer and says “Drop Dead!”.
“Aaah” he replies, “Southwest!”
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It’s Logic Women probably won’t understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you. A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one bottle of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 bottles of milk. The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?” He replied, “They had eggs.”
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I don’t get it. He did exactly what she asked him to do, where’s the joke?
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Ask a man to explain it to you 
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I did better than that… I asked my GF to ‘splain it. She said,"MmmmMmmMm.’ Once I removed the duct tape, she said that women will often tell you what they want, but not want what they tell you.
I’m pretty sure that this kind of “logic” is why they invented duct tape!
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Out of everything she could have said (or shouted) when you removed the duct tape, she decided to explain the joke to you?
Take good care of her, she’s a keeper
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don’t you think it’s strange she didn’t removed the tape herself? he forgot to explain it’s because of the handcuffs. i guess she just likes a husband that dominates her, preferrably with a whip 
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My son asked me what an alcoholic was.
“Do you see those four trees over there son? An alcoholic would see eight trees” I explained.
“Dad” he said, "there are only two trees."
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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”
This catches the blonde’s attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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