A friend just chatted this one :
What do composers do when they die?
They decompose 
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Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have some H2O please.” The second says, “I’ll have some H2O too.”
The second one dies of hydrogen peroxide poisoning.
.
(H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide)
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I would tell you a chemistry joke, but I don’t think I would get a reaction!!!
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I went to the army surplus store and asked “Do you have any waterproof, camouflaged trousers in my size?”
He came back after a few minutes and said " The computer says we have 40 pairs in stock but I’m dammed if I can find them!"
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For all my friends, family and whomever they may have coerced into planning my intervention, please wait until after St. Patrick’s day. Thank you 
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Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing him a surprise party…
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Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs !
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And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
Then he made the earth round…and laughed and laughed and laughed…
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I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, But I turned myself around…
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Do you think Forest Gump’s user name is 1forest1?
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How come you never see the headlines on a newspaper saying…
Psychic Hits Lottery !!
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All you married gentlemen: What’s the difference between your wife and the most dazzling super model?
Nothing, if you know what’s good for you!
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A woman awakens on the morning of her fifteenth wedding anniversary to find that her husband isn’t in bed. She calls out his name but there is no answer. He doesn’t seem to be in the room.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs looking for him but he is nowhere to be found.
She thinks he may be in the kitchen making her breakfast so she checks. Nope, even the coffee pot is cold. Then she hears a noise coming from the garage. She opens the door and finds her husband sitting on the floor, sobbing.
“What’s the matter dear?” she asks him.
“Do you remember when we were teenagers and your father found us in bed, and told me that I could either marry you or spend 15 years in prison?”
“Yes” she replied.
" I would have gotten out today, a free man!."
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- A doctor says to his patient, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only
24 hours to live.” The patient says, “Oh no, what could possibly be worse than that?” “I forgot to tell you yesterday.”
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A helicopter pilot ran into low visibility conditions outside of Seattle. When his navigation systems went offline, he knew he was in trouble. He managed to locate a big office building, hovered near one of the windows, and had his passenger make a sign that said, “I’m lost, where am I?”
Those in the office quickly made a sign that said, “You’re in a helicopter.”
The pilot saluted, then made his way directly to the airport, where he landed safely.
His passenger was amazed, and asked, “How did that stupid sign help you find the airport?”
The pilot replied, “As soon as I saw that they provided information that, while correct, was totally useless, I knew we must be at the Microsoft campus!”
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A poker player went to his Doctor, after the exam, the Doctor said to him “I have bad news”. “You only have 6 months to live!”
“Oh No!” exclaimed the poker player, “Is there anything I can do?” “I have tournaments already paid for, and an invitation to the main event in 9 months.” And also “I need to leave something to the wife & kids.”
“Well” the Doctor said. “If you get some quality soil and put it in your bath tub, filled it up with water, and use it daily for a mud bath”
The poker player interrupted “This will help me live longer?” he said excitedly
“No” The Doctor replied, “But it will get you used to the dirt.”’
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No Offense to Texans, Lawyers, Judges, Grandparents, or anyone else.
Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair…
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Okay…now…everybody…together…count backward from pi…
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Where on the Starship Enterprise is the restroom?