I would imagine it’s on the poop deck.
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
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I asked the man in the shoe shop if I could have a pair of crocodile shoes.
He said certainly sir. What size shoes does your crocodile take?
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I asked the man if I could try on the suit on display in the window.
He said I had to use the changing room or I would be arrested.
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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a native.
“What is it made of?” she asked.
“Crocodile teeth,” the native replied.
“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”
“Oh no,” he objected. “Anybody can open an oyster!!
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did you know that I really like only THREE things? I like eating people and not using commas.
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What’s the difference between a bowl of chili and a Urologist
?
One is hot and spicy . . . And the other analyses’ urine
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I like to go to the playground all the time and watch the little kids jump up and down and scream, because they don’t know I’m using blanks. It’s good exercise
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What was David Bowie’s last hit?
Probably heroin.
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Alpha Male Challenge…
- Take a picture of your girl…
- Find a nice frame…
- Hang it in the kitchen…
- Write “Employee of the Month” under it!!!
Any takers?
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Two Irish backpackers are walking around Boston when they spy an Irish pub.
They go in and take a seat at the bar and the barman says “What’ll it be lads?”. Two pints of Guiness one of them says. "Oh Begora how fantastic is this …we don’t get many real Irish tourists in here. What’s your name he asks the first one. “My name’s Pat”. Barman says “Pat is it then…just Pat?” Aye Pat replies. Well then, the barman flew into a rage and smashed Pat’s head into the bar, came round and kneed him in the ribs and gave him a solid punch on the nose! “Your name…it’s Patrick lad…Patrick! A proud and proper Irish name now never forget It!!” The barman turns to Pat’s friend and asks the same question “…and what’s your name” he asks. Slightly hesitantly he replies “Sean… …rick”
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Yeah Jan, I know, sorry.
Why do so many women want the lights off during sex?
They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.
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During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director
how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well, ’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a
bathtub, then we offer a Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub.’
'Oh, I understand, ’ I said. 'A norm al person
would ask for the bucket…
No a normal person would pull the plug!!!
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Me: It’s not about how many times you fall down, it’s about how many times you get back up!
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
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The art of diplomacy is letting someone else get your way.
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I’ve been playing poker lottery scratchers to help improve my strategy game.
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A plane flying from Chicago to L.A. was unexpectedly diverted to San Francisco.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes…
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. Her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
The pilot approached her and said, ‘we’ll be in San Francisco for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’
The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs’.
The people in the boarding area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane wearing sunglasses, with a Seeing Eye dog!
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Q: Why is it a bad idea for a wolf to meditate?
A: He is likely to become aware wolf!
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