LOL did it work 300mph?
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Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their
honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately ‘phoned her mother and
her mother obviously asked, ‘How was the honeymoon, dearest?’
Oh, Ma,’
she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic…’
Then Elaine
burst out crying. ‘But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using
the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean,
all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me
home… Please Ma.’
‘Calm down, Elaine!,’ said her mother, ‘Tell me,
what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?’
Still sobbing, Elaine
whispered, ‘Oh, Ma…words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.’
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I didn’t see you in church last Sunday, Perkins. I hear you were out
playing football instead.
‘That’s not true, Vicar. And I’ve got the fish to prove it.’
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Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer… I saw the video… we need to talk.
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Me: “I love you.”
You: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Me: “It’s me talking to the wine.”
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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
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Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years
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I don’t recommend catnapping.
It only lasts a little while. Then the owner wants their cat back.
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A relationship is like playing cards
First you have hearts and diamonds then at the end is clubs and spades
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A young man in the USSR has received his first work assignment. He is to work at a train yard helping to move the trains around the yard - a good job, with good promotional potential.
The first day of the job, he arrives at the yard, and entering the yard house he introduces himself, and wanting to impress he says “I’m excited to get started, what do we do first?” The older workers, sitting around the table, are drinking vodka and playing cards. “Drink vodka, play cards,” is their simple response.
Deciding he wants to fit in, he awkwardly sits and begins to play cards. A little while later, the phone rings. He springs up and answers the phone - it’s the yard boss. He instructs them to take a train from the west track and move it to the east track, and switch cars around between several trains. Hanging up he relays the instructions and says “Ok, let’s go, don’t want to fall behind!” “Drink vodka, play cards” is the only response.
Nervously, he sits back down and deals into the next hand, but is only half-heartedly paying attention to the game, anxious about the work to be done. Some time later, the phone rings again, this time one of the older team members answers it. The boss wants to know if the work has been completed. Yes, the older man says. The boss relays new instructions, and they hang up.
The young man is now very nervous about the piling up work, and again tries to rouse the team. Again, they only say “Drink vodka, play cards.”
This occurs the same way several more times throughout the day, until right before the end of the shift, the boss calls back. Again, an older man answers the phone. “Has everything been completed?” the boss asks. “Yes, just as you ask” the man replies. “Good, now take everything and put it back the way it was this morning.”
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They left me out in the cold on that one 
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
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Goat…Lol quick story about 6 years ago went to visit my brother in New Orleans,We go to a club and a beautiful blonde lady ask me to dance so I did .Then she came over to our table and I bought her a drink and she left the table for a minute my brother told me she was a dude…He knew the whole time,I wanted to smack in the head with a chair .Any way u ever go to New Orleans look close
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