I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
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Dyslexic man walks into a bra…
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A snowman and a polar bear were out in the snow. The polar bear asked the snowman, “Do you smell that?”
The snowman replied, “Unless it smells like carrots, probably not.”
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
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Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual” he replied.
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OMG!
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I want that doormat so bad.
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me too , FIkayak esp fir solicitors
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People think “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Come to think of it, I see why.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd, “and if my horse ain’t back where I left him when I’m done, I’ll do here what I had to do in Houston.”
The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. As the Desperado saddles up, a local can’t help but ask, “Sir, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?”
The Desperado narrows his eyes and hisses at the man, “I had to walk home.”
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Cop said, Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"
I said, “No, and if you forgot then I’m not reminding you.”
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My daughter thought she was pregnant, so I bought 4 pregnancy tests which all showed positive. She then started crying. I asked her why was she crying she said, I don’t think I can take care of 4 kids.
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Remember, there are two little words that will open a lot of doors for you.
“Push” and “Pull”. 
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