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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m
calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas - and they’re paying their own way.’
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that
you just served?”
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on
vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”
The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!”
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@grapevine
OMG I almost spent the food out of my mouth. You made my husband laugh hard, and that isn’t easy.
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LOL, very good.
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.
Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
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Hahahaha…I bet it was a pound cake! Now my post will probably get deleted ,all the rest of my post do 
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A man enters a bar and sees at the bottom of the room a gaming table. This is a game of poker that is held there. There are six players among which, a dog, a real dog. Intrigued, the man looks at the game and realizes that the players are acting as if nothing had happened. The dog holds his place, plays, raises, 3Bet sometimes. He advances the chips when necessary. Surprised all the same by the situation, he approaches the table a little more and between two hands asks one of the players: "I can not believe that a dog can play poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world! wow! The player turns discretely with a slight grin and slips: "He must not be the smartest. Every time he has a good hand, he moves his tail. "
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I had a dog that was incredibly smart, but I could still beat him 2 outta three games of checkers. I tried to teach him poker, but, you know, no thumbs.
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A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a ■■■■■ on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he’s a bit rusty, so he’s driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope “Hold on for a minute,” and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”
Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”
Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”
Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”
Cop: “More important, sir.”
Chief: “A major politician?”
Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”
Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”
Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope’s his driver.”
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A husband exclaims to his wife one day,
"Your butt is getting really big. "It’s bigger
than the BBQ grill." Later that night in bed,
the husband makes some advances
towards his wife who completely brushes
him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She
answers, "Do you really think I’m going to
fire up this big a_s grill for one little weenie?"
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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, “OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel!! No, think of another
wish.”
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women…know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’… know how to make them truly happy…”
The genie asked, “Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?”
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Ahahah, ahaha
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