As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are
all the blinds drawn?”
The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the
street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”
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It’s only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without violence.
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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, don’t sell peanuts.”
The duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and again says, “I want to buy some peanuts.”
The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, “I already told you I don’t sell peanuts.”
The duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, “I want to buy some peanuts!”
The outraged bartender yells back, “I told you, I don’t sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall!”
The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, “Sorry, don’t have nails.”
The duck asks, “Well then, do you have any peanuts?”
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Ahaha, ahaha, ahaha 
My son told me, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.”
I sighed and said, “You know, you could do better.”
“Thanks, Dad,” he said.
I just shook my head and said, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”
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If Cassius Clay married Rachel Welch, it would be like bringing the mountains to Mulhammad!!!
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So I am sitting at the bar at the Tiki last night drinking a cold beer, these 2 dragons walk in and sit beside me and they are like what’s up dude i’m like chillin bro kpasa? Then the one on my left s aid it is hot in here the other one said shut your stupid mouth then!
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I was having lunch with Charles Manson one day and he asked, “Am I crazy, or is it hot in here?”
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Where do they make average things ?
The Satisfactory 
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Contrary to popular belief:
It wasn’t an apple on a tree that got us banished from paradise.
It was the pair on the ground.
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Haha, that’s good.
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Lol that is a good one Sue
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A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
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A farmer sees a chicken cross a road and asks, “Hey, why did you cross the road?”
The chicken replies, “I’m going to a bar”
The farmer asks, “What happens when you walk into a bar?”
The chicken says,“Sorry, but that’s a whole other joke.”
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Why is surfing like sex?..When it’s good it’s really good,and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good 
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A Husband asked his wife: Why do you cry and sniffle at a movie over the imaginary woes of people you’ve never met?
Wife: For the same reason that you yell and scream whan a man you’ve never met slides into second base.
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Ok this is true!!! What do you call a surfer who just broke up with his girlfriend?..Homeless 
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@Craig_Anthony Since I can’t get the cake to you, here is one for Ryan.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire?
One steals watches and one watches steals.
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It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, ‘Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?’ The meteorologist responded, ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite Cold.’
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ The meteorologist again replied, ‘Yes, it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’ he asked. ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’ ‘How can you be so sure?’ the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that’s always a sure sign.’
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