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A thief breaks into a home during the night knowing the occupants have gone out for the evening.
He starts rifling through drawers and cupboards and not a bit worried about making too much noise when he suddenly hears,
“God is watching you.”
He just about dropped the bag of loot he was carrying, but looked around and couldn’t see anything or anyone. Thinking he must have mistakenly heard the voice he went back to searching the house for more loot.
“God is watching you.” The voice announced once again. The crook thoroughly shook up by this time starts searching to see where the voice is coming from. He spots a bird cage in the corner and walks over and sees a large parrot staring back at him.
The parrot repeats, “God is watching you.” And the crook is about ready to wring the bird’s neck.
“Polly, you damn stupid bird, you scared hell outa me.”
“My name is not Polly, it’s Archangel.”
“Archangel!” The thief croaks, “what stupid idiotic jerk names his parrot Archangel?”
The parrot replies, “the same stupid idiotic jerk who named his 300lb Doberman guard dog, God.”
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It was our first date and she was smokin’ hot.
I thought it was going well, and I was right.
After dinner and a couple of drinks, as we got into my car she whispered in my ear…“What’s your favorite position?”
I smiled and said…“Button”…and I was OOP the rest of the night. 
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In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, “How very sporting of your mother!”
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I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows!
He’s like a machine! I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.
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A man married to a woman named Lorraine, fell in love with a woman named Clearly,
Lorraine suddenly died & when asked how he was feeling? The man replied " I can see Clearly now since Lorraine is gone!"
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Too funny.
Telly Savalas, the bald actor, once complained he had terrible luck. He went with his wife to a spa. While there, they were entered into a free drawing for some spa products. He won. His prize was a comb.
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I worked out of Cameron, Louisiana for the better part of two years in the offshore oilfield in the Gulf of Mexico in the very early eighties. I don’t know who wrote this but I am here to tell you that the dialect is absolutely perfect!
CAJUN AIRLINES
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to de Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreax was sprawl out over da steerin wheel.
Well, Pierre don’t know nutin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don’ know nutin about flyin dis plane!
“Dis is da control tower,” someone answer. “Don’ you worry bout nutin. We gonna splain how to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are an whas you position?”
Pierre thought a minute, den say, “I’m five foot ten an I’m all da way to da front of da plane.”
“No! No!” answer da tower. “What you altitude an where you location?”
Pierre say, “Man ah got a poh attitude, an I’m from Thibodeaux!”
“No! No! No!” came an exasperated voice, “Ah needs ta know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!”
Pierre he start to panic by dis time. He say, “Countin Boudreax’s an mine, we got four feet off da groun an I don’ believe dis plane related to you airport!”
A long pause-------de silence was deafenin.
“We needs to know who you next of kin . . .”
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Is It Cold Enough For Ya?
65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Montana plant gardens.
60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Montana sunbathe.
50 above zero:
Italian & English cars won’t start.
People in Montana drive with the windows down.
40 above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Montana throw on a flannel shirt.
35 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Montana have the last cookout before it gets cold.
20 above zero:
People in Miami all die.
Montanans close the windows.
Zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Montana get out their winter coats.
10 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Montana are selling cookies door to door.
20 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Montana let the dogs sleep indoors.
30 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Montanans get upset because they have trouble starting their snowmobiles.
40 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Montana start saying…‘Cold enough fer ya?’
50 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Montana public schools will open 2 hours late.
Except in Cut Bank, Montana where schools will open only an hour late
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The Differences Between Men And Women
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other
Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
DINING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills,
even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of
Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys
these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he
goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches
the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok
sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman
gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them
off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren 't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: Go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer
the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear eve ry article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes
to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat.
This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all a bout her children. She knows about dentist appointments
and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and
hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, I asked her what she’d like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
So on the morning of her birthday, I got up early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to the Adventure World theme park.
What a day!
I got her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later we staggered out with her head reeling and her stomach feeling upside down. Then I took her to a McDonald’s where we ordered a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, ice creams, drinks, and her favourite childhood sweets. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, we wobbled home exhausted and she collapsed into bed.
I leaned over to her with a big smile and lovingly asked,
“Well dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot !!!”
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.
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LOL! My cousin, one year older than I, told me this joke around 1970ish. Except it involved two guys sitting in a movie theater (one was of Eastern European ethno-group that we cannot mention these days but it started with the 17th letter of the alphabet of whom such ethno E European jokes were quite common…gotta mess with the RP and other myriad of censors) and they were watching an old black and white cowboy movie before the talkies. The one cowboy in this movie got clothes-lined by a tree branch while galloping on his horse and the aforementioned character said that ‘I can’t believe he did that two times in a row.’ I’m sure you get it. The incredible thing about this (to me) is that for someone who is in the bottom 5% of American tv and movie watchers the last forty years is that I actually saw an old b/w scene from before the talkies where the cowboy gets clothes-lined. The updated blonde version is better of course.
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Trying to stop Cv 19 with a mask is like putting up a chain link fence to keep the mosquitoes out.
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Like a screen door on a submarine!
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