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Did you see the toddler who was wearing sunglasses and having a tantrum?
He was throwing shades.
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Where’s
the English Channel?
I don’t
know
- our television doesn’t
pick it up.
1 Like
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.’
Watson replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’
‘What does that tell you?’
Watson ponders for a minute.’
Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. ‘Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.’
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A fly says to a human, “Do you have any food?” The human says, “No,” and the fly leaves.
The fly comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any food?” The human says, “No.” The fly comes back the next day and says, “Do you have any food?”
The human says, "I already told you ‘No’ twice! If you come back and ask me again, I’m going to swat you with a Newspaper.
The next day the fly comes back and says, “Do you have a newspaper I could borrow?” The human says, “No.”
The fly says, “Then do you have any food?”
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The hospital’s
consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.
'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us
realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.
Now, is
anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’
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I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens.
But not as my full-time job-just as a way to make hens meet.
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OMG too funny
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I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
-
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
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I remember this one time, someone asked me for some puns.
So I read them 10 puns that would make them laugh.
But alas, no pun in ten did.
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Omg…Hahahahahahahahaha 
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Dirty mind test:
What starts with d and ends with ick?
Drumstick.
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Know the difference between a stoned driver and a drunk driver?
(Don’t do either)
A drunk will run the Stop sign, A stoned will wait for it to turn green 
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Grandpa started walking 5k a day about a Month ago, Now we don’t know where the heck he is.
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