Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
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An owl and a squirrel are sitting on a tree branch.
The squirrel looks at the owl, but says nothing because squirrels can’t talk.
The owl then eats the squirrel because owls are birds of prey.
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So, a NYC dude (sorry could have said a Californian) comes to Montana to hunt elk. He hunts for several days and nothing, so he decides to go a little father up the road.
He slams on the brakes and jumps out as he sees the biggest elk of this trip. Remembers to grab his rifle, steadies his rifle on the fence post and just like that he has his elk. Now he heads back to camp.
Before he gets his elk to camp, he comes upon a game check with two game wardens inspecting for tags and such. One game warden is training a new warden, so he wants to be through.
He is so excited about his elk he can’t stop bragging so the experienced warden looks closely at the elk while the trainee is excited. Finally, game warden 1 says everything is in order you may go and enjoy your trophy. The trainee can’t believe this but his trainer stops him from saying anything.
The dude departs and the trainee asks why did you let him go that wasn’t an elk?
Game warden 1 says just think of the people eating that mule and enjoying it!
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6 Likes
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”
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(Disclaimer) Sorta true joke. In 1974 or there abouts everyone I knew had a CB (Citizens Band radio). Everyone was supposed to register and use their registered call sign. Mine was KAXE 6464.
Driving down west bound I-90 my CB came to life and it went like this. (speed limit 55)
Hey, Cajun, how fast you going?
Ah who is this? Double Nickel that you?
Yes, now how fast you going?
Cajun: 55
Double nickel: Well then get out of the way your trailers doing 70.
Sure, enough couple miles down the road smokey had a big rig pulled over.
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A young man pulled up to his girlfriend’s house to take her for a ride in his 1958 Pontiac Chieftan 2 door automatic.
She wants to drive so he says ok, and off they go.
Everything is going great till they get behind a slow vehicle. Several miles later he says if you get the chance go around.
Suddenly the road is clear of oncoming traffic, and she pulls out, pressing down on the pedal to get ahead,
Then there’s a big bang and car parts are everywhere, and they come to dead stop.
Shocked he asks her what happened?
She replies that she wanted to get around quicker, so she put it in P for pass!
Joke back then was P-pass R-race D-drag N-forgot anyone remember? LOL
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Yikes. Oh My. LOL
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Ok last joke I know (lucky people)
Young teenager in his first car comes to a sign that says STOP. He slows down a little then slams it into gear and takes off.
Flashing lights are immediately behind him so he pulls over.
Officer: Why did you slow then take off like that?
Teenager: Sir I was doing what the sign said.
Officer: It said stop!
Teenager: No sir it said Spin Tires On Pavement.
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A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said,
“I want to be a movie star.”
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials . The agent asked, “What’s your name?”
The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”
The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”
“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”
The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years…you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”
“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he
left the agent’s office.
FIVE YEARS LATER…The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for £50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him £50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed…
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian … After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to
return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have
made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke!
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now that is funny!!!
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Wife: “Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.”
Husband: “Why? You have nothing to put in it!”
Wife: “You wear shorts!”
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I have never heard that one, brilliant 
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ha ha ha pmsl
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Wife: “Can I spend $20,000 on breast implants?”
Husband: “Why don’t you just rub toilet paper all over your chest?”
Wife: “I don’t get it.”
Husband: “Worked on your ass, didn’t it?”
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What do a wife and a grenade have in common?
– They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.
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4 Likes