Hehehe
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(Clearly, it’s easy to make you happy, SPG.)
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My GF goes to this farm to spin fur they call “fiber” into string they call “yarn.” She’s been after me to go with her, but the last thing I want is to be stuck for 4 hours twiddling my thumbs while a mob of blue-haired grannies all talk at once, cackle, and demand I admire their string, which all looks alike to me.
So she sent me a link to their site, so I could at lest look at pictures of the place, and the site was horrible. Navigation was straight out of Whack-A-Mole, so you had to click random places and hope you hit something, the color scheme was right out of a circus, and the whole site was optimized to come in last place for any reasonable keywords or phrases. Needless to say, I was appalled and said so.
This somehow got me volunteered to go there and help them fix their site! Worse, she had already told them I would do it. Happy girl friends cook your favorite dishes, and do other things to make you happy. Mad girl friends sneak broccoli into all your meals and generally make your life miserable, so I had to go.
I made her drive because she knows where it is, and if I drove, her navigation instructions would be like, “Sorry, I was knitting, we should have turned left 8 miles back,” and, “turn where that old bus used to be.”
We made good time, and eventually turned onto a narrow country lane. We were bouncing right along when I happened to look out my window to see a chicken running alongside the SUV. I looked over at the speedometer, and saw we are doing almost 50, and that chicken was pacing us!
We turned a bend, and the GF says, “That’s it up ahead.” All of a sudden, that chicken accelerated and as he pulled away, I could swear he had 3 legs! He must have been doing 75 as he ran ahead and right into the barnyard, where I lost sight of him.
We pulled in, and were met by the farmer and his wife. After the inevitable round of hi’s and how do’s, I asked the farmer if he saw that chicken, and he smiled and said he did.
I said, “I could swear that chicken had three legs!”
He said, “Yeah, I bred them like that, and been a raisin’ three legged chickens ever since.”
I asked, “Why in the world would you do that?”
He said, “Well, I like a good drumstick, and so does Ma. Now that Junior is big enough to eat solid food, he likes him a good drumstick too, and I got tired of fighting over them.”
So I said, “Wow, that’s amazing, do they taste the same?”
He looked down at the ground, kicked the dirt, then said, “Well, I don’t know, I haven’t been able to catch one yet!”
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MY GF Becky (not her real name) monitors her blood pressure, which is goofy because if it’s a little high, she gets all stressed, which makes it higher. I am much happier since I stopped trying to understand woman logic, so it is what it is.
So a few weeks ago, she was fretting because it was a little high. Since I am always helpful, I causally suggested that she was breathing too much and worse, was breathing incorrectly. Now your average woman wouldn’t take something like that too well, but Becky (not her real name) spent her adult life as a scientist doing biological research, so she was intrigued.
I went on to explain that she should only breathe through her nose, and only breathe 6 times per minute. I went on to detail that breathing in through your nose slows the intake, filters and humidifies the air, and so on, and how breathing out causes a small back pressure that aids oxygen absorption and that breathing out more slowly increases your CO2 levels, which tricks your body into producing more oxygen-carrying red blood cells, and other serious scientific stuff along those lines.
I suggested we do a little experiment, which I knew she, as a scientist, would not be able to resist. I had her take and log her blood pressure, then breathe in for 5 seconds, out for 5 seconds, and had her continue this while I went to get a refreshing beverage, about 3 minutes.
When I came back, she retook her BP and, sure enough, her systolic was down a full 10 points. She was amazed, and I, of course, just smirked.
So i decided to push it a little and ordered her some mouth tape.
Mouth tape, as you might guess, is special tape designed to keep a person’s mouth shut. And yes, this is a real thing. She agreed to try it, but only while she was sleeping. She found an app that monitors tossing and turning, and found that her sleep was much better and more restful when using the mouth tape.
Now I’m trying to convince her that wearing this in the daytime would make a big difference in quality of life, but I neglected to mention that it would be mostly my life that improves. Does anyone know of any serious scientific research showing that mouth tape should be worn all the time? If so, please share, thanks!
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I’m thinking children would also benefit from this kind of product…
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My husband is showing signs of what I call “male-pattern hearing loss.” He mimicks me when I bellow comments to him so he can hear me. But he says, “What?” if I don’t bellow my comments. Tonight after both had happened in quick succession I laughed and said, “I no longer know how to modulate my voice.” He said, “Just don’t talk.” hahahah! I’m NOT going to show him this product.
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Is there anything as beautiful or peaceful as snow falling? I think not. 8 inches last night 8 more coming today. I will sit by the fire tonight, put on some Pink Floyd, and let my mind float away to better times of the past. It will be massively brilliant!!!
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You had me at Pink Floyd!
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