Yo mama is so fat when she stood up a breakfast buffet fell out of the folds 
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When someone tells you their wedding
was the best day of their life?
The have never had 2 candy bars fall down
at one time in the vending machine.
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When sitting on a park bench all alone
and a complete stranger sits beside you?
Look straight ahead and say, Did you
bring the money?
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All I can say is my memory is great I can file vast amounts of information so whats my problem you might ask?
RETRIEVAL
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Makes you wonder what the rest of the marriage has been like.
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I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”…
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear’ she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’.
She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car’
‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years’
‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”
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To the two criminals who stole my calendar:
I hope you both get 6 months 
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Ahaha, ahaha, ahaha ouch !!!
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A skeleton walks into a cafe and says “give me a coffee… and a mop… “
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I just stole these two from an article which has a bunch of them. They have been quacking me up!
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What do ducks use to fix up their houses? Duck tape!
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And what does a duck put his favorite dip on? Quackers!
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They say you should try playing chess with kids.
but it’s really hard to get all 32 of them to stand in their squares …
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