True story. I was allergic to my girlfriend’s makeup. One day at work I said, “I’m allergic to my girlfriend’s makeup.” My supervisor responded, “Then quit wearing her makeup.”
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Why did the sailors have to stop playing cards?
The Captain was standing on the deck.
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What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
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I was asked yesterday if I wanted information on 80’s hairstyles. I said I’d mullet over.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You Poker Face.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend, … But she left me before we met. 
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A mathematician showed up to a party, to the surprise of the host. “Oh, you’re very early! I thought I told you the party starts at a quarter of eight?”
The mathematician replied,
“Yes, and it’s two.”
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I think I’ll make like a tree and LEAF out of here.
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or you could just leave.
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Nice going! You got the joke!
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Jeff told his friend, “I was named after my father.”
His friend said, “But his name is John.”
“Yes,” Jeff said. “He was named that years before I was even born.”
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Remember when we used to call self-checkout theft ?
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The irony is that at WalMart they trust you enough to self checkout, but check your receipt before you leave the store because they don’t trust you that much.
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