(Note: This is the latest in a series of satirical posts I’ve written on actual poker sessions. It is poker-related. Read it or don’t, but please don’t flag it. Thank you.)
It was Tuesday morning. A silent figure sat alone in a darkened room in the Replay server facility (whose location remained a closely guarded secret). The only light flickered from banks of monitors surrounding him in a 360-degree panorama of digital poker tables dominated by green oval baize and the backs of tiny red cards. There were even monitors on the ceiling.
The figure seemed to have an infinite number of arms and hands as he simultaneously punched instructions into various luminescent keyboards while casually sipping a mug of hazelnut coffee. Cards showed, chips were shipped, rinse, lather, repeat.
A portal opened, temporarily blocking the view of several tables and allowing a second figure to enter. He too held a coffee in one hand and glanced around the room as the portal closed behind him, restoring the view of the missing tables.
“’Morning, Al,” he said.
The first figure turned to acknowledge the new arrival.
“Ralph.”
The second figure smiled and shook his head.
“One time,” he said. “Just one time I’d like to be here before you.”
Al laughed.
“Never happen,” he said. “You know I’m 24/7.”
Ralph rolled his eyes and shook his head again.
“Don’t remind me,” he said.
A second seat materialized in the center of the room. Taking it, he positioned himself at Al’s back, so that each could survey half the monitors. After taking note of the players and stakes at his tables, Ralph spoke over his shoulder. “Anything special on for today?”
“I’m thinking it’s time to teach PickettPocket another lesson.”
Ralph frowned. “The name rings a bell…?”
“Registered in 2022, during the Covid rush, played for a few months, wandered off, then had another cup of coffee with us in ‘23 before disappearing until April. When he came back, he increased his bankroll sixfold to 18 million in little more than a month.”
“Right, right,” Ralph nodded. “we took him down a peg, didn’t we?”
“We did,” Al agreed, “but he pulled himself together and went on another tear. He’s at 34 million now. Worse, he’s in the Community Forum trying to convince people the system isn’t rigged against them.”
“Oh, well, Ralph chuckled. “We can’t have that, can we?”
“No, we can’t. What about it then? Are you ready to get to work?”
Ralph rubbed several pairs of palms together while smiling gleefully. “Let’s do this.”
Al chuckled and eyed the Indian Summer table before transferring control to Ralph.
“He’s getting a little cute today,” he said to his assistant. “Thinks he can handle multiple callers in the early blinds. Doesn’t mind when they don’t fold to a raise of three big blinds.”
“Mm-hm,” Ralph nodded, allowing a hand to play out. “Thinks he’s the best player at the table.
“Let’s correct that misapprehension,” Al said. “We have all day, so ease into things. Give him a few top pairs and let the small aces run him down ‘til he’s short-stacked.
“You got it, boss.”
Al tended to other tables, trusting Ralph to follow his instructions.
Ten or fifteen minutes later, Ralph spoke up. “He’s down to about 1200 in chips, now.”
Al glanced at the Indian Summer monitor and nodded. “He’s on the button too. Deal him an AK. Nothing too fancy, mind. Unsuited will do.”
“Done.”
That’s Haywire in the small blind. He’s a loosey-goosey type. What’s he have?”
“10-3 off.”
“Perfect. Give him trips on the flop.”
Ten -our, boss.”
‘No, 10-10-4.”
Ralphed laughed. “Whatever you say.”
He studied the monitor.
“Everyone’s folded to Pick, and he’s raising.” Ralph clucked his tongue. “Still only three times the big blind. Some people never learn…ah, now he’s betting into the tens. Doesn’t think one caller would hit it.”
“Well, he better get used to the idea. It’s going to be happening all day,” Al said, drawing out the enunciation of ‘all.”
Ralph gave another chuckle. “Haywire called. I’m sliding in a six on the turn… Pick checked it, and whoa, Haywire shoved.”
“Told you he was loosey-goosey. Give him a three on the river to really stick it to Pick.”
“Yup… now what? He’s on the rail.”
“He’ll show up at another table soon enough. Keep an eye out.”
The two figures sat in their respective chairs, sipping coffee and going about their programmed duties. It was less than ten minutes later when Ralph sat up straight in his chair.
“There he is! On the Benjamin Bounty.”
“Got it,” Al nodded. “Let’s see if he’s changed his tune.”
“Nope,” Ralph said, two or three minutes later. “Still not upping his raises. He’s won a couple of pots though. Found a hot seat.”
“There’s no such thing.” Al’s tone was indignant. “Replay seats only come equipped with refrigeration units. Let’s freeze him out. Hit the SFC button on his chair.”
“Starved for cards,” Ralph nodded. “You got it.”
Another ten minutes passed.
“There he goes, boss,” Ralph announced, indicating PickettPocket had busted out of his second tournament of the day.
“Good work,” Al said. “Keep the SFC on him wherever he goes.”
“It’s locked in,” Ralph replied.
The pair watched as their victim bounced out of two further tournaments.
“Looks like he thinks his luck is about to turn,” Ralph informed his boss.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, he’s entered the Black Hole. That’s a million chip entry fee. ”Ralph squinted at the monitor for a moment. “Getting serious, too. Taking his time with hands, mixing up his play, upping his game.”
“Then we should take it up a notch ourselves,” Al said.
“What do you want me to do, boss?”
“Let’s give him the hand of the day treatment.” Al put a hand to his chin for a moment. “Make it queens, and deal an opponent aces each time.”
Ralph shook his head. “That’s cold, boss. Real cold.”
“I have never been accused of being warm and cuddly, my friend.”
A few hours later, Al checked with his subordinate again. “What’s the latest on PickettPocket?”
“He’s stubborn. I’ll give him that.” Ralph said. “I’ve given him the ladies four times. He got it all in against aces three times. Made sure he had no luck when he had AK either, and his other top pairs kept getting turned or rivered.”
Al frowned. “I thought I said to give his opponent aces every time he had queens?”
“You did, boss, you did. I was bored, though, so I let a pair of fours hit the set on the river.”
“Bucking for a promotion, are we?.”
“Well, I did let him hit a set of jacks…”
Al turned to eye Ralph, clearly disappointed.
Ralph looked at his boss with apprehension. “He chopped an AQ right after, then busted out with pocket nines a few hands later. I thought you’d appreciate me giving him a little hope before busting him again.”
Al twisted his lips in a smirk. “I suppose there’s no harm done. As long as he didn’t enjoy himself for too long.”
“Oh, no, boss, far from it. His stomach is churning and his blood pressure is steadily rising.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” Al said, with a cheerful grin. “Good job. What’s he doing now?”
Ralph scanned the monitors but came up empty. “Looks like he’s called it a day, boss. I don’t see him anywhere.”
Al checked the time. “No, it’s still too early. Check the ring tables. He’ll go there when he’s having a bad day at the tournaments.”
Ralph tilted his chair back to scan the ceiling monitors. “Got him! He’s on one of the 2K/4K Monte Carlo six-player tables. Cheeky bugger turned his 800K into 1.2M while I wasn’t looking.”
“No, no,” Al said, his expression grim determination. “We’ve got to nip that in the bud. What have we got to work with?
Ralph peered at the monitor again. “Looks like a fish directly across from him and an outright donkey right in the middle.”
“Perfect. Hit him with both barrels.”
“On it.”
Over the next several hands, the donkey shoved repeatedly. PickettPocket limped with AQ, intending to trap him, but the donkey smooth-called and the fish caught a king on the river to suck out against PicketPockett’s queen pairing. Their victim took it in stride and tried to trap again with AJ suited on the next hand, only to suffer a similar result.
“Uh-oh,” Ralph said several minutes later. “Table’s emptying and he’s leaving.”
“Track him!” Al ordered. “I’ve got more in store for him.”
“There he is. Cologne Cathedral. He’s in for a million and a half.” A few minutes later, Ralph called out again. “Got him down to 1.3.”
“Stay on him.”
“Will do.”
But then…
“Damn, the table’s emptying again. Where is he?… where is he?… oh, wait, got him again. He’s on the Indianapolis Speedway, 2K/4K nine-seat table.”
“Alright, but we’ve got to hurry," Al replied, checking the time once more. “He won’t be there long.”
What do you want me to do?”
Give him QQ again.”
“You got it. Who gets the aces?”
“Nobody?’
Ralph paused. “Sorry, boss, you lost me.”
“Give everyone rags, then flop the other two queens.”
“But that’ll…”
“Give him the nuts, I know. But he’ll only get a tiny pot because no one will bet into him. Watch and learn.”
Sure enough, when PickettPocket had quads on the flop, he checked, hoping for someone to try to steal. The two players who had called his preflop raise checked, and checked again on the turn. PickettPocket had to decide whether to bet a tiny amount on the river and hope for a call or let the table see his fully stocked harem. He checked, acknowledged the compliments, but stewed inside that he hadn’t been able to win more than a measly few thousand chips.
“Okay,” Al said. “Wait for a few hands, then deal him kings.”
“Kings it is,” Ralph said, three hands down the road.
“Alright. Give the button AK, then pass control over to me.”
“Control to you, boss,” Ralph confirmed an instant later.
“Watch and learn,” Al said, rubbing two palms together and assuming control.
PickettPocket raised 3.5x the big blind. It came around to the button, who came over the top. After a brief pause, Pick shoved. The button snap called.
“Got you now, you smug b*****d,” Al said, and dealt a flop of 4-A-6.
“His blood pressure just spiked again!” Ralph announced. “But why didn’t you wait until the river, boss?”
“To crush the last bits of hope that the case king will come,” Al explained, turning a five and rivering a deuce.”
“Brilliant!” Ralph gushed. “Nice hand. Well played.”
“Thank you,” Al said, swiveling his chair around to face his underling. Smiling, he leaned back with several palms interlacing at the back of his head. “I love my work, and if I do say so myself, I’m damned good at it. I’ve got a billion and two ways to put these wannabes in their place.”
Ralph nodded in unadulterated admiration.
“That’s why they call you the Al-gorithm,” he said.
