A man went to the doctor because he’d been feeling a little “off” lately.
The doctor came into the room and said, "I have your prognosis.
Unfortunately, your DNA is backwards."
The patient replied, “And?”
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Always give a 100% at work:
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I must be a Plugger because I actually do this.
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What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
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Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using
a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle
with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, and
the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines
start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching
for some sign that this is just a practical joke. None is
forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the
runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize
they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the
water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon
all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge
that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and
says "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream
too late and we’re all gonna die."
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Ha! Yeah… but it was TOTALLY worth it!!!
“And with this, I shall rule the world!!! Release the Octocow!!!”
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Hahahahahaha, love that
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A little levity for the “situation.” Heard a doctor on TV say that to have inner peace and help
get through our numerous days of isolation, we should always finish things we start. This
should give us a sense of pride and accomplishment. I looked through my house to find things
I’d started and hadn’t finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of Bourbon, a bodle
of Tito’s, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how
feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum
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Hell, even without the alcohol, chocolates, and scrips, if I look around to find things I’ve started and haven’t finished, that alone would be an accomplishment, and I can drink, take some scrips, eat chocolates, and call it a day. 
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I will never forget my grandfathers last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder”
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“Sorry I’m late,” said the broom.
“I overswept.”
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What’s the difference between Niagara and Viagra.
Niagara falls.
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Alternate punch line:
Viagra rises.
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Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into my life out of nowhere, makes my heart race, and changes me forever. I call those people cops.
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Lol as I was reading it I thought you were going to say Gangsters lol.
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LOL! Works either way Craig!
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Why can’t two elephants go swimming at the same time?
Only one pair of trunks.
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