My 10 Thousand chips month

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I didn’t eat any junkfood over the holiday weekend to start the month, and about 1/3 of the chips I ate came in a single picnic I had on the 10th. I had several other large bowls of snacks spread out over the table, most of them offset by nearly equally large bowls of salad on the same table, or on the same picnic, such is the nature of variance with pot-luck picnics, and thus most of the meals saw my belly grow by slight amounts, as reported in previous excruciatingly long run-on sentences.

But overall this was my biggest month in terms of belly growth since I started eating at picnics. I added nearly 10 lbs, representing a jump of 25% of my entire roll of belly fat.

I’m liking eating at picnic tables.

bellyroll

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It’s the CURSE I tell ya !!!

To be continued….

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Artist’s rendering, day 17 of SPG’s 10,000 chip month:

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haha I lost 12kilos thanks to the curse :slight_smile: Hope I don`t find them - I miss carbs !!

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For those of you who love updates on everything I do, and because hey, to a narcissist, any attention is good attention, I have compiled a pie chart to impress you with my ability to create pie charts…

piechart

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Trying again …

Sorry SPG, you’re losing the verbosity contest - people are actually reading what you’re writing!

Have a look at the latest magnum odious that the verbose competitor submitted and see if you can do somewhat better. You really are letting the team down right now!

I expect not less than 5000 words, spread over 4 posts, that are nothing but mumble,curse,jumble,mumble,please feel sorry for me,mumble curse,curse, mumble

Wishing you luck
All the best and
Kind Regards,
TA

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Part 1: The Background

I had a hand the other day that will convince even the most diehard of skeptics that what I have been drolling on about for the last three years is actually 100% true and correct, and that, yes, Replay actually has hired a team of programmers to alter the code specifically to degrade my mental health, and the simple fact that I can’t even begin to articulate a valid reason why they would do such a thing in no way diminishes the fact that this is apparently exactly what they are doing, and even though I know, at least on some level, that extremely long, rambling, run-on sentences are not only visually unappealing, but that few people bother to read such things, I am entitled to choose my own style of prose, and besides, I have heard rumors about an upcoming tax on periods but no tax on commas, so I like to make full use of commas instead of risking undue taxation should this legislation be deemed to be retroactive.

Unfortunately, Replay has started using subliminal post-hypnotic suggestions by flashing, “You WILL Forget” on my screen so quickly that it has been impossible to record, even when I screen capture it as video and analyze it frame-by-frame, a technique no doubt borrowed from the CIA, who is obviously in on the whole plot to make me a crazy person, so I naturally forgot to record the hand number, even though the hand replay would have been altered to show something other than the hand as played, because the forces arrayed against me are devious to an almost unfathomable extent and the bulk of Replay’s resources have been dedicated to this task, for reasons I, or anyone else, simply can’t explain.

Luckily, my mind, being far sharper than most, remembers enough of the details to make such formalities such as hand replays unnecessary, and besides, there is some small chance that this hand never actually happened, but that it was a hypnotic suggestion implanted into my brain for the sole reason that it would discredit me, which, of course, assumes that I had credit to begin with, but that’s an uncomfortable fact that I would rather gloss over than face anyway, and this is my right under the Delusional Doctrine of 1996, so let’s just get on with the hand, OK?

We were playing 4 handed at a 6-max 100/200 table, the other 2 seats being vacated after their occupants had bad beat me for 2 full buy-ins each, then fled in terror, knowing that they had raised my ire and that I would be coming down on them like a small, irritating lap dog going after a beetle 1/1000th its size, and believe you me buddy, beetles in that position know full well the meaning of the word terror, but naturally, I was a bit tilted, or even more tilted than usual, at any rate, so it’s possible that I played this hand a little sub-optimally.

Unfortunately, all this typing has worn my fingertips down to bloody nubs, so I am forced to make this hand a multi-part series, unless, of course, the joint KGB/Spetsnaz operatives track me down and manage to silence me, which doesn’t seem all that likely considering that nothing has been able to silence me so far, except at the tables, where I have been muted for expressing my totally logical opinions concerning how the world’s leading intel agencies, including Mossad, have been relentlessly hounding me and developing complex schemes so I will lose free chips even though I play nearly perfectly at all times, which is sad, but such is the state of the world these days.

Edited to add: :stuck_out_tongue:

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Such a pity that the target of the parody can see us laughing and not understand that we are laughing AT hir not with.

Desperately looking forward to part two :slight_smile:

Very kind regards,
TA

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Part 2 - Dramatis Personae

I have recently started to suspect that poker is different than solitaire because, believe it or not, there seems to be other people playing the same game at the same time, and this complicates things a little because they usually have their own plans and these can contrast with whatever plans I might have at the time, which leads to conflicts and, even though I almost always try to run away from conflicts of any kind, I know I can always summon a moderator here, so there isn’t any real danger even though it still scares me, and if I want to play poker it’s something I will just have to deal with, and so I was in the small blind in this hand.

The big blind was a sad looking man, and I could tell from that far away look in his eyes that he had recently been jilted by a lover, who probably had run off to Mexico with his best friend, so naturally he would be less likely to play hands containing a queen or jack because queens would remind him of his lost love and jacks would represent, at least to him, the ex-friend who had back-stabbed him and run off with his girl, and he would probably like to play kings because they represent the nobility that he was so desperately trying to maintain, even in the face of his recent loss, and that he would probably play very aggressively on any board with a queen or jack because he would be wanting revenge, and to some extent, a small measure of redemption.

The UTG player, who had “Granny” in her name, seemed, at least at first glance, to be an actual grandmother, and the limited information in her profile would seem to confirm this, but this at once sent up a red flag on my highly developed virtual flag pole, making me suspect that she was actually either a firefighter or, more likely, a well trained agent of some sort because agents are trained in camouflage at the firefighter/sniper schools of every nation that employs such people, so I knew at once that “she” would probably try to lay low like a mean snake in the tall grass and try to trap me with the kind of monster hands that the skewed dealing algorithm always gives to those who are part of the international free poker vs me cabal, so I would have to be alert to this possibility and not fall into this particular pitfall, even though we all know I will.

The button didn’t have a picture, and his profile suggested that he wanted to keep me guessing, so I naturally assumed that he was a member of the North Korean Ministry of State Security, at least until I calmed down a little and began to realize that North Koreans are proud of their cultural heritage and it was unlikely that one of their agents would use a Western-sounding name instead of one consisting of those squiggly lines they seem to favor, secrecy or not, so this logically led me to the conclusion that he was probably ex-Stasi because, since the collapse of the Soviet Union, those guys are mostly unemployed and easy to come by if you know the right people to ask, and Replay surely knows the right people, but because they are so secretive, I had no idea how this guy might approach the game, except that he would be dangerous and be dealt from a crooked deck too.

I think it’s vitally important to understand the people you are playing against, and, even though it’s too hard to actually keep track of, or use, this information during the course of the hand, especially if you know in advance that you will lose the hand no matter what cards you have because that’s just the way it goes when you are squarely in the sights of the world’s leading intel agencies and, on top of that, are the focus of some sort of Jedi mind fogging trick, probably the result of the direct involvement of Yoda himself, or at least Obi Wan Kenobi, because, let’s face it, how many other Jedi can pull off this kind of mind fogging at galactic distances?

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I would much rather you laugh with me than laugh at anyone else.

The parody is aimed at an amalgamation of character types, including myself. Who else has claimed they can extract so much from the limited info in a picture, a few words on a profile, and a screen name? Only me, I think.

I hate when I poke fun at myself, but such is the internet to those of us with multiple personality disorders. It is what it is.

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SPG…you silly man. In all your analyzing, did you ever consider the possibility that “granny” was actually some really hot chick wearing 4" heels and a tube top with her laptop mounted to her stripper pole that was just tired of being oogled and wanted to play poker in peace? Such a chauvinist!

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